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[29 Jun 2003|08:38pm] i'm going to europe for the next several weeks. with the family. i'm not excited. i realize this sounds spoiled and ungrateful. but the circumstances are just not conducive to an enjoyable vacation. (i really am grateful.) i don't even know quite where i'm going yet. no one in this house tells me anything. ever. see you in a while. love. Comments: 2 mistakes - love me you fool.

[27 Jun 2003|11:51pm] ah, dancing. dancing is mmmm. love. goodnight<3 Comments: love me you fool.

[24 Jun 2003|06:00pm] i am so sleepy. i really like this picture. Comments: love me you fool.

this is long, and it's about death, drugs, and my perfect perfect best friend [23 Jun 2003|01:40am] watched requiem for a dream. i'm paralyzed. i'm terrified and inarticulate and shaking and crying and it's absolutely the most terrible feeling i've ever had in my entire life. head to toe, it's wreckage. i watched it, and the drug sequences were like bad trips and they just reminded me of things i tried to think were beautiful or surreal or magical. fuck. they weren't though, it was just me, my eyes being readjusted with chemicals and memories and exhibition. i saw sylvan go through overdoses before. ((yes, i'm going to talk about this, if you don't want to hear it, don't fucking look. i'm talking about DEATH. and i'm not saying drugs are bad, don't ever do drugs, you will die or end up a piece of shit for life. i'm not saying anything. except what happened.)) sylvan went over the limit on oxycons once, last summer, and i watched him there, twitching and shaking, i saw his eyes close and open suddenly, and i saw him in the fetal position on a shit brown tweed couch in this kid randy's basement. do you know how horrible it is to see a beautiful person confined to a suffering body in an anonymous room surrounded by people who have no fucking clue who this person is and how perfect he is in every way? he was even fucking concious, totally ...aware of all the pain, but not anything else. it was just unhealthy, i kept thinking, over and over, it's poisoning him. it was, poison. it was so painful to watch him, knowing there was nothing i could do. what could i do? there were a few other times, same thing, same worries, knowing that this beautiful perfect soul was being pulled apart and bitten and burned and peirced and wasted. i understand why he did it, i know that life just wasn't made for him. i KNOW. but so much fucking pain. for everyone. and then this last time, his last ditch effort to get life off his back, he opted for the tried and true method, the release, all of it. he needed to go out in his blaze of glory, alone, just him and his wonderful, magical poison. and when he died, at that instant, i know he was awake. and i bet he fucking laughed. it's just confusing. i get angry at myself for being sad, because it seems selfish. and then i get angry at myself for being happy when my best friend has just fucking killed himself. suicide... is such a morbid expression. sometimes, i resent sylvan for beating me to it, ya know... testing death and life and taking the plunge into it that i'm afraid of. god, the way he left is exactly the way he lived- no fear, no thought of consequences or hypothetical whatevers. he is so perfect, and now he's gone. what does that mean? i don't know. i just do not fucking know. Comments: 3 mistakes - love me you fool.

i picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong [22 Jun 2003|12:48am] i stayed in boy's bed this morning long after he got up, listening to his cds and his records and looking at all his photographs. he has t-shirt sheets on his bed and down pillows. it's lovely. he came in around 3 after he was finished cleaning and laid in the bed with me, and we watched edward scissorhands together. it was so beautiful, even more perfect than the first time i saw it. all the window light coming in, and the sheets and pillows, and him- wholely perfect. everything is so fucking perfect. ...guilt, guilt, guilt. i'm still not finished being sad. (edit: i need a digital camera. i have no clue about these. but i need one that takes very good quality pictures and is not too expensive. reccomend something to me.) Comments: 2 mistakes - love me you fool.

[21 Jun 2003|01:18am] i was really sad this morning, because i'd put in a mix on repeat before i went to bed last night, so i when i woke up, the song "nation of slaves" by joseph arthur started playing, and that was sylvan's favorite j.a. song. kind of an odd way to start off the day. with remembrance. went to boy's house to escape my own, and we was cooking. walked in, smelled garlic and basil and cologne. absolut perfection. he was making asparagus something, and we ate outside on the lawn using fine china and wine glasses with lemonade. he made a toast to love and summer and us and beauty and sylvan. and then a tear fell into my asparagus. how beautiful is that? i don't think it's real, believe me. so many reminders... it's not like i could forget anyways. Comments: love me you fool.

[18 Jun 2003|04:29pm] last night, i watched style network for six hours. stripped, shabby chic, amy brown, FASHIONTRANCE... i love that channel. i used to watch amy brown all the time with sylvan and andrew. way back when. they hated her, but it's honestly addictive. she was wearing a cute red raincoat last night. i coveted. ok, it's still raining. what is this biznass? i think i'm going to europe next month. Comments: 6 mistakes - love me you fool.

[17 Jun 2003|07:05pm] it's raining. i love rain. it makes everything green and wet like MMMMMMMMM. lauren wants to come over and take a walk in the rain. which would be nice. except i don't really feel like i should be with other people right now. it's like i'm afraid i might just say something completely inappropriate, not for any reason excpet that my social controls seem to be a bit faulty lately... do you know what i'm talking about? me either. i'm obscene. Comments: 2 mistakes - love me you fool.

[16 Jun 2003|07:48pm] fact: after i quit smoking, i feel lonely. this is very depressing to me. i shouldn't feel lonely. cigarettes are not my friend. Comments: 2 mistakes - love me you fool.

[16 Jun 2003|02:18am] use_responsibly 106% f_u_c_k 98% mikeusru 98% 5stars4failure 95% estro 91% fliptopbox 91% kicking_heads 91% thescientiste 91% muted_rain 87% gayto_fabulous 86% my_mediocrity 85% haircut 73% freshbreeze 66% xanatos 65% How compatible with me are YOU? Comments: love me you fool.

[15 Jun 2003|08:56pm] i decided today that i was going to write a will, just in case anything ever happens to me. like something happened to sylvan. although he did that himself... anyways. so. here's ( my will... ) thus ends my will and testament. Comments: love me you fool.

[14 Jun 2003|01:30am] i feel like boy and i are the same person now. it used to be that feelings like this would scare the shit out of me. when it would seem like someone was getting to close, i would get really afraid and defensive and distant. and then the relationship would end. but it's not like that in the least, not this time. like in hedwig, that song "the origin of love," it talks about how each person is actually only half a person, and love is that force that is constantly searching to find the other half. it can be a boy or a girl, that doesn't matter. it's just that one person that totally completes you, fills every void and bridges every synapse and closes every gap. it's like two people actually become one. that's how i feel. you know it's wonderful. Comments: love me you fool.

sunshine on a cloudy day [13 Jun 2003|12:12am] note to self: after the sun goes down, sunglasses are an unnecessary and foolish accessory. even if they happen to be brown vintage 80's glasses that appear to have been borrowed from elton john. UNACCEPTABLE. big news: told boy i loved him. the following hours were blissful. today is just ahhhhhhh. like apples and honey. (i'm trying to ignore the fact that it feels wrong to be so intensely happy.) Comments: love me you fool.

[12 Jun 2003|06:56pm] today was more than a little nice, it was actually in a morbid way quite wonderful. i went to sylvan's gravesite and put flowers and a card there and then i talked to him for three and a half hours. it was a perfect day: overcast, blue-gray layered clouds, lightning low, near the horizon, and light that made everything look green and rained-upon. sylvan is very lucky. he's buried under a weeping willow. it's beautiful. for my beautiful friend. Comments: love me you fool.

[10 Jun 2003|11:37pm] sometimes it feels like there's acid in my veins. that burn that hurts worse than anything. it's like your blood is diseased. just been ill today- and kind of bipolar. i wanted to spend the night at boy's house last night, but i couldn't sleep at all, and i started having really scary waking dreams, so i just got up while he was sleeping and left. i should have left a note for him. i left at around 3 and didn't want to go home, so i went to the amphitheatre and laid down on the stage, and i listened to joseph arthur on my headphones for a long long time. i didn't sleep at all, i just thought a lot. and i hurt a lot. but i didn't cry at all. i don't know how to end this entry, so i guess this is the end. Comments: love me you fool.

i WILL not write about death today [10 Jun 2003|12:14am] i love the feeling of not knowing. having an overwhelming element of mystery to everything. being able to take nothing "as is" or at face value. that possibility that everything that you thought was important could be meaningless and everything you considered minor could be EVERYTHING. always on my toes, that's how i like it. like a ballerina. we need more skepticism. REVOLUTION- REVIVAL! Comments: love me you fool.

[09 Jun 2003|01:09am] i still haven't told boy i love him. he's said it to me a thousand times and i always find some way of avoiding the indirect question. and now that i have the answer he's always been waiting for, i don't know quite how to tell him. i can't just call him up and insert it in an inconspicuous silence. and i can't write him a letter and wait until the end to sign it "i love you." maybe he already knows and my trying to come up with ways to physically communicate it to him is ridiculous. i just feel like i owe it to him to say it out loud. next time he tells me, i guess i'll just return the words. for once. boy: "i love you." me: "i love you, too." good practice. when i was going through my dresser today, i found a tape that sylvan made me. it had the most incredible songs on it that i'd totally forgotten about: nation of slaves by joseph arthur, some radiohead, danny elfman, beautiful beautiful stuff. and the last song was mad world, by gary jules. the theme song from donnie darko. "i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad. the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had..." i have never cried so much in my entire life. i'm not sure if i have any tears left in me anymore. Comments: love me you fool.

sylvan, i dedicate my love to you. [06 Jun 2003|10:34pm] boy and i found a secret place today. it's on the roof of a really old church a few minutes from his house. they don't hold services there anymore- i think it's abandoned now. beautiful place- all grey and white stone with green moss washed on the corners. there's a tall steeple and a belltower on top of it, but in the middle, between the two, is a place where the roofline levels out. we climbed up there today, and when we reached the top, i almost started crying, it was so amazing. you can see so much from there. we stayed up there for the whole afternoon and past dark and it started to get cold so boy and i stayed close for warmth. it was beautiful, honestly. he smelled warm and tasted warm and kept me warm for a while. he whispered "this is our little secret, ok?" and i said "of course. our secret." and he smelled like ashes and ice. and when he talked to me about sylvan, i cried and i think my tears froze in his breath. he was so beautiful, his face blueish and in a half-light. and i felt something so much more than sympathy or pity for him- there was something so far beyond that it seems ridiculous to try to put it into some other form of expression other than just existence. i can't leave him at this point, probably not ever after today. we fused and nothing feels quite real today. the verdict is: i am so much in love with him. Comments: 3 mistakes - love me you fool.

little silver necklace [06 Jun 2003|12:38am] i went fifteen minutes without thinking about death, and it made me feel guilty. so i just thought about it from every direction until every space of my brain was filled with it and i could think about it no more. and i resigned myself to the state of not knowing, and decided i was okay with it. and i ate for the first time in four and a half days. i went to boy's house because i needed to have someone just to be around, who didn't make me feel like a wreck. someone who would be a wreck with me. so we talked about everything, misgivings and projections and flaws, and laid in the hammock together for an hour. and then i took a bath in his tub because i only have a shower and i needed to bathe, head to toe. i considered drowning myself, and then laughed at myself, because it really was a stupid thought. and boy and i listened to jeff buckley and sat there feeling numb, and he played me some coltrane... although i don't remember hearing anything. emotions were self-serving today. Comments: 2 mistakes - love me you fool.

shanty creek [04 Jun 2003|08:25pm] [ mood | like shit ] [ music | free- the martinis ] sylvan is not gone, he's just missing and i keep walking around completely void of everything but not entirely hollow. just not full at all. and every swallow is another painkiller going down MY throat. and another year from MY life. and another coffin to add to the ground. i stopped smoking, i stopped drinking, i stopped eating. i'm poisoning myself every time something enters inside me. like my insides are pure or distilled water or something, and they react like kerosene and oxygen. bullshit, my insides are a wasteland. sylvan, you really fucked me up, pal. and every day is another layer of OCD to add to an unstable system. this is not a good day sir. Comments: love me you fool.

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